Festival of Lights

My mom says, the day I was born, it was the day of lights – “Deepavali” - to say correctly the evening of lights, when candles lit peoples’ houses, smiles their faces and the crackers brightened the sky. Even my mom, dad, annu - everybody was brimming with joy, their faces brighter than the thousand suns. I brought them the light. It was light all around me. So much so, that it filled me completely, it remained inside me for ever. You know, a new-born baby can’t see. Neither did me, at that moment. But not long after since, I saw the day of the light and my journey in this world of lights has begun.
My annu says I have the most beautiful eyes. She is not the only one. Even Tubai, my little brother (and also my enemy no. one in this house), also says so. I am proud of my prized possessions. Of course, only beautiful eyes can see the most beautiful sights. I know Tubai doesn’t believe me. But everybody else does – my mom, annu and probably you too. Believe me; I can see a lot of things that you can not see. I see the bright stars running from left to right, right to left, sometimes appearing as threads – threads of colorful beads, or sometime tiny fragment of cobwebs. Huh I don’t need Deepawali to see the lights’ play. I see them playing, running, hiding, bursting into glory – every day and night, every now and then. I know others envy me. I have sensed them sobbing silently sitting next to me. I feel bad. Isn’t there something that you can see and I can not?

I thought not; until yesterday, when Tubai came running to me and told how he saw an “anaar” burst in nine colors. He told me he had never seen anything prettier than that. It went up and up and up like a fountain of light, a fountain of gold, silver, diamonds and what not – in blue green red crimson pink and then burst like a tree of light. He is a kid. He can’t describe everything correctly. But still I am sure a moron like him cannot cook up something like this. Honestly I have never seen this. Though I told him I see that stuff every now and then. In fact I have seen it much bigger and better. But as usual, he called me a liar. I tried convincing him hard; I beat him hard for not believing me. But this time he was adamant. I said I didn’t care, went up to my room, locked my door, but from the time I heard this “Anaar” story I started feeling jealous.

My mom says set one special prayer aside for each birthday. God seems to listen to you when you earnestly wish something on your birthday. I have decided what I need to ask God today. I will ask Him to show me what Tubai saw yesterday for once. I am ready to promise I wont run away before finishing my milk, I wont cry when doctor uncle would examine my eyes next time, I would promise to wear those glasses that I hate to wear all the time. But please for once, I wanna be like everybody else – like Tubai, Mom and Annu and see how an anaar bursts into nine lights!!!

No hard feelings for sure

I suspected this long back.
But today it became so starkly vivid, for a moment, I was stunned, speechless, mesmerized. Even before untying the towel and entering the shower, I was naked - in front of the naked truth. The truth is not always so harsh. But when it becomes like this, you do not have many other options, but to smirk in Humphrey Bogart's cool loser style and say to yourself "Here's looking at you, kid"...

Before going into the details, let me share with you what exactly happened today morning. Had the above revelation not happened, or had I been on a brighter mood this morning, it could have been food for a boarding-school detective story. If you have spent a part of your early life in a school, away from your loving parents and caring sister, with a bunch of monkeys who are as good or bad as you, you know what I mean. (You know, people start investigating to find out who comes to the hostel everyday afternoon during the playtime and grab your potato chips and spoiling much more here and there. Or you know, they start behaving FBI agents to find out who always kidnaps the best piece of chicken from your bowl every Tuesday…) In such a situation the mere fact that everyday showers are becoming overhead taps one by one (Dorm Rep please take a note of it!) would definitely have given birth to a dozen of Sherlock Holmes Jr.s. But mind you, even though my present address is that of a hostel, my neighbors are quite different than my early comrades. They dress well, speak well, do not put their elbows on the dining table while dining or lunching, look at both sides of a road before crossing it, meticulously says “hi” to manicured, pedicured, curly hair, shaven legs counter parts, and ya, they know the purpose of their lives, and as Poirots and Holmes do not fit there, they peacefully ignore such trivial matters with the disdain only to be matched by that of great Vivian Richards towards English bowlers.

Well unlike many of my friends, of all genders, (I shouldn't name any of them here, because I don't wanna incur any animosity at this stage of my life ) I think taking bath is not a luxury but a necessity in my everyday life. And even if you argue with me that only the people who get themselves dirty everyday need to take bath everyday, I won’t buy it. I am a stubborn bull headed moron and it takes considerable time and effort to change how I see the world. SO as usual, I went to the shower before lunch and discovered the showers had turned waterfalls. The only other guy present at the bathroom at that point of time was one of my neighbors whom I chance to meet only in the washroom. To keep the records straight and for future records as well (You will get to know why I am saying so), he is the one whom I first met in my dorm when I first came here couple of months back. He was washing his face in the wash basin for quite a long time with great care. Thankfully there was another basin in the water closet and hence I didn’t have to wait for him to be finished, but I could not stop asking myself how a GUY takes so much time washing his face. I thought he was going to meet his girlfriend or someone close to that stratum. But subsequently my guess has been proven wrong , because I have seen him doing this at all hours of the day – whenever I visit the bathroom, either for toilet or shaving or what nots- he is there performing the ritual with even more care and meticulousness. Whether he has a girlfriend or not is out of present context, but even if there is one, I am sure she doesn’t wait for him for all the eerie hours of her life.

Okk, leave him aside. Where was I? Thankfully, I have not forgot. I was in the bathroom. After seeing that the showerheads were missing, naturally I expressed my amusement and he started laughing hysterically. Moron – what was so funny? In fact, this was the first time I saw him laughing. And believe me, laughing always make people look better. (So keep smiling, even when you are feeling like crying or howling-- after all life is a drama). After his laughing spree ended he informed me that the showerheads were missing since two days and the fact that I didn’t know that implied I skipped taking bath yesterday. I was not sure how to react. I always get angry when people say I don’t take bath. I surely did, yesterday. But another self of mine started questioning me how can I then forget that I experienced the same problem yesterday. Honestly I can’t remember even now. And believe me, a chill ran down my spine, similar to the ones when I get caught red handed for not reading the IGP cases or not solving the probability questions for the classes. But this was an even chiller, horrible feeling.

Is there any correlation between what happened today and that day’s incident when I was searching for my pen every nook and corner of my bag quite oblivious of the fact that I had just kept it in my pocket. Or is this the reason why I forget the deadlines many a time even after finishing what I am supposed to submit before the deadlines. Is it the reason why I spend almost one hour every day just to find out where I kept my specs or purse couple of minutes ago. (If you ask me why one hour, my answer would be: twenty times every day and three minutes for every lookup  ) . Or how I forget to call my dearests on their birthdays or some special occasions when from the days ago I start thinking what to say and how to say (;) - all these stuffs.

But luckily enough, I can remember what’s special with .1010010000000000000001….. or the fact that Euler fathered fifteen children or even the spelling of “antejentacular”, which even the great Khushdie couldn’t spell correctly… I can even remember vividly, more vividly than ever, how I used to enter the well-cordoned garden behind my hostel dining hall to collect ( read 'steal') guavas (ones with red seeds were my favorites), or how I first encountered THE stuff that I should not have encountered at such a early age or how I pinched my childhood love so hard for speaking something to my mom what she was not supposed to say that she cried aloud and kept on beating me for two minutes continuously (she was reprimanded enough, but this is not the place to describe all such nonsense affairs). Even though I am sure there is something wrong I am not sure what exactly is. And I am sure not everything is wrong. See, how optimistic I am! Its a quintessential diminuendo situation for my memory and me as a person. But do you know which kind of amnesia is it that you forget something which you remember minutes ago or just in the recent past? I do not have any answer. I could not put this among any of the amnesias I know about, like anterograde, dissociative, lacunar, psychogenic or global amnesia. Wow, I remember few psychological terms as well!!! Had I forgotten ALL these, I could not have written all these craps I am writing now and you would not have wasted such precise time of yours (there are so many good things in life to do like preparing for classes, interviews, or playing crosswords, or having dance lessons with your partners or at the very least, shopping XYZW whatever there is in the Shoppers’ Stop) than reading the crap just because a part of you knows me a little bit and probably cares a little bit too!!!! (After all, Berne says everybody has a lovable core! - I am no exception)

Hey don’t get senti dude. That's the last thing I would wish. If something happens to me, even if I die I would die with a shrug… No hard feelings for sure. ;)